The Oasis Reporters
December 22, 2018
By Ustaz (Dr) Abdulfattah Adeyemi
Women are plenteously single. Many are perplexed, galore ignored. Lonely in fears, waiting in tears. Some women are hurt by the thorns that life hurls on their paths: hearts bleeding, self-worth spilling. Screaming soundlessly to the mirror; crying silently to their pillows. Such singles have to wait much longer than their biological needs can withstand. The call of nature sounds louder as their biological clocks tick on and on.
Some others have suffered from devastating disappointments from previous relationships, or from a traumatizing sexual abuse, stigmatizing illness or embarrassing physical defect. Some are looking for financial stability, acceptable suitor, or compatible prospective spouse. Those divorced get stuck in the mess of separation and lose their glow in life. Loneliness has afflicted them with broken hearts that won’t stop bleeding.
The trauma of bereavement and contingent isolation increase the likelihood of widows suffering from depressions that are not unconnected with grief and loneliness. It is not her fault that the wind blew her husband’s eyes shut in a sweep of sleep as if living was only a dream. Is it not remarriage that could blur up the vivid memory of the sad loss from her mind, and reconfigure her psyche to absorb the sunlight of a new knot which is meant to cheer her up?
Whether a woman is married or single, pain, fear, disappointment, frustration, anguish, sadness, despair and the dire need for companionship are still parts of the human condition. From time to time, we all shall experience whatever our Creator brings our path by way of trial. The difference may only be in degrees, sources and sorts.
However, at the mention of “polygamy”, some other women would readily be flexing and stressing, as they brandish brooms and slippers at anyone who indicates it near their hubbies. Amongst women also are those whose psychologies refuse polygamy, whose philosophies prohibit it. It is as unimaginable as it is impossible. They won’t be the second, third or fourth. They would neither be the first nor the best. They would not share their husbands with co-wives, and they have no capacities to portion what they consider theirs a hundred percent. These women have every right and freedom to feel the way they do, and they are as entitled to their positions as much as those who see polygamy as a divine way of addressing humanistic challenges and solving their personal problems.
On the other hand, some men can’t even imagine keeping up with more than one woman; staying married to only one is okay for them. It is their choice. The revealed writ allows men to have up to and not more than four wives but with terms, conditions and exceptions. Even with this, there are those men who can but wouldn’t, and there are those who can’t but would. Some should not and some must not. It is not an excuse for immorality, injustice or wanton oppression. It is a call to humanism for men who can and should.
What we should understand is that husbands are not to be shared like Wi-Fi, and polygamy is not a secret endeavour. It can only be practiced strictly within the context of marriage, with mutuality and maturity. Polygamy is not a kid’s stuff. It is a Divine provision, not a compulsory injunction. It is strictly for those that are able, willing, and whose circumstances predispose them to opt for it.
Even with these said, those who want it would applaud it. Those who need it would practice it. Those who hate it would condemn it. Those who are two faced would pretend not to hear, and those who are indifferent would just shrug it off. Polygamy is a belief issue mixed with emotions and a high level of responsibility. It has been instituted by the Almighty so that no woman is left out in the cold. There is no need to vent, rant, misunderstand, or “PUNCH” anybody about it. May God forgive us all.
(First published as ‘THIS POLYGAMY THING!’)
Written by Ustaz (Dr.) Abdulfattah Adeyemi
Ustaz (Dr.) Abdulfattah Adeyemi is the Founder and Director, Baynakum Family Counselling Centre, Abuja and a Transformational Marriage Coach/Muslim motivational speaker for Singles and Couples .